I try my hardest to see things from an optimistic light so often, but at times like right now, I can’t help but succumb to the suffocating feeling of hopelessness. I’ve talked about this numerous times in my previous posts, but something I’ve struggled a lot with growing up, especially recently, is the feeling of utter loneliness that comes with growing up. The only thing I find hard to accept about this feeling is that I don’t think I’m to a point in my life where I should have to feel that yet. I believe that coming to terms with the idea that this truly is only your life and the only person in it that genuinely matters is yourself is something that is meant to be entertained only as you are way later in life than I am. I don’t know exactly when that point in anyone’s life is, but I am positive that it isn’t in your early 20s. Just typing that out is enough to make me realize that I should not have to be fully accustomed to the feeling of absolute loneliness. Now should be the time that I am making memories with people and finding out who I am, and I should have been doing this for years, but instead, I have months’ worth is time wasted and the time I have spent doing meaningful things adds up to no more than two weeks.
Month: February 2022
Full of LOVE today
Happy Valentine’s Day! Today is a very important day for me. Not because anything big is happening today, but rather because the concept of Valentine’s Day means a lot to me. I am not a very open person emotionally to anyone in my life. Some might disagree with this and say that I am very open with how I’m feeling, but just because I tell people I feel bad or want to complain about something does not mean we have an emotional connection or that they understand me on a deeper level. It’s not that I don’t want to be an open person with those close to me in my life, I just can’t seem to do so naturally so it seems forced usually. It’s challenging for me to make connections with people that have any kind of worth to both of us and that last longer than half a year. While I haven’t outright asked any of my friends about their views on me or our relationship, I can assume that a lot of them don’t feel genuinely close to me. Like I said before, I might open up about what surface-level thing is bothering me or complain about something easy to complain about, but a lot of the relationships in my life lack the depth that I crave. Valentine’s Day is all about embracing that depth that you do have and it allows you to create that depth with others in your life. I would say at the moment there are probably two people in my life that I would say I have quite a close relationship with that has this sort of depth I’m describing. The difficult thing about this though, is that while I do want this kind of deep connection with others in my life, it seems as though there is a barrier holding me back from creating it with others. I’m not sure how to overcome this obstacle that’s in my way to having a fulfilling connection with others in my life. I can’t even begin to describe what is exactly involved in this barrier and why I can’t make these types of connections. This heavily contributes to how lonely I feel in a lot of my relationships, platonic or romantic.
The sun has set
I feel a bit repetitive starting every post with “hello”, but I can’t help but want to greet you when I start writing these! I realize this is a bit sooner of an entry than normally expected but I just wanted to talk. I don’t have anything specific I want to say, I just wanted to say something! So I will let my brain ramble for me below the cut.
Level 2 Snow storm
Hello again! There’s currently a huge snowstorm going on outside it’s kind of insane…There was a pretty bad one a couple weeks back but I’m dealing better with this one because the last one was so bad my job canceled my shift for me! Last night I hung out with my roommates and a friend of theirs that was coming over and now I’m totally exhausted…I slept until 4pm! I had fun last night though so it wasn’t as awful as it sounds being alone with people I don’t really know until around 7:30 in the morning. There is something I want to talk about though.
I’ve noticed that I have a huge issue with not knowing who I am at all. This isn’t anything new, as I might have complained about not knowing how to describe myself before, but this really is something that burdens me every single day. I feel as if I am a fraud and that I have to copy all the people that are around me; not because I genuinely would rather be them, but because I don’t know who I am if I don’t. I have a complex about stuff like this. I want to be me and be unique but when I am I feel as if it isn’t good enough. I want to be normal but then I feel like I am blending into the background, even though I do prefer that sometimes. I don’t know what makes me “me” and it scares me. It doesn’t bother me enough to actually try and figure it out, but it is something that sticks in the back of my head constantly. I want to be able to be recognized for being me, whatever that may mean. I hope one day I am able to reach a point where I feel confident in myself to be able to fully describe to you what makes me “me”.
I’ve also gone through my blog posts on here and I’ve cringed at what I’ve posted. I don’t know if it’s obvious to you but it’s so obvious to me when I am so blatantly copying someone or trying to be someone I’m not, and in a lot of the parts of my previous blog posts I’ve been doing exactly that. I hope it isn’t too embarrassing for you as the reader…I’m sorry if it is. I do hope that this is interesting to read through. You don’t know who I am but from these posts, I’m able to give you a small look into my brain. I like that. I don’t really have anything else to say, so I should wrap this up.
I hope I am able to feel as if I am “me” someday.
.˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛˚｡ °.𓆞.° ｡˚𓆝˚｡ °.𓆛.° ｡˚𓆞 .˙ 