I feel a bit repetitive starting every post with “hello”, but I can’t help but want to greet you when I start writing these! I realize this is a bit sooner of an entry than normally expected but I just wanted to talk. I don’t have anything specific I want to say, I just wanted to say something! So I will let my brain ramble for me below the cut.
Something very obvious about me as a person is that I am obsessed with trying to become other people. I study them as if for a class and try to replicate how they act, write, talk, draw, etc. I’m not sure whether this comes from a place of hating myself or not knowing myself. If I had to answer, I would say it’s a bit of both. I’m not confident in myself to believe that as I am is enough for the world. Everyone is always judging me for everything that I do so I have to be perfect. Now, I know logically that that’s just not true but I can’t get the thought out of my head. If no one is in the room with me, I act like there is. If no one is talking to me, I act like there is. I plan out my actions days in advance after copying others in my mind to see what would be the best thing to do. Even as I write this now, I have another person’s blog up and I am scanning her words over and over to try and force my brain to replicate her exact way of writing. I am in no way a writer, though I wish I was, so I don’t know why I pretend like I could do what she is doing.
I want to consider myself an artist. I want to say that I create things from nothing and bring them into my reality and that they are something special, but I can’t. Nothing I draw, write, play, etc. is art. Everything that I do and say is simply a recreation of things others have brought into the world. A mockery of all of that honestly. I have so many skeletons of ideas but I do not have the intelligence or creativity to bring those ideas to life. They sit there lifeless with no personality until I forget about them and move on to the next skeleton. For example, a comic I tried to write, the characters I tried to come up with, and this very blog among other things. When I do sit down and try to create something from the nothingness of my life, I come up with nothing. I stare at the white screen on my iPad that’s waiting for me to draw on it and nothing happens. I feel as though I have a spinning wheel in my head of skeletons that I have a go at whenever I am trying to create something, but because of the fact that there is no life in any of it none of it comes out with any meaning. Though I could practice and learn and consume older versions of current media that I like; then maybe I would learn something from them. Maybe I will contact some artists/writers/singers and ask them what inspires them and helped them to move forward to perfect their skills. The thing is, I do feel inspired when I look at certain things. In fact, I’m writing this specifically because I was inspired by this girl’s blog. Though I feel inspired, there is still nothing worthwhile that I can create. I envy the people that have so much creativity spinning around in their skulls that they can continuously create without end. I do understand that art block is a thing that many artists struggle with but I don’t think that’s what I’m dealing with. If this is some kind of art block, it’s a constant art block that has been there my entire life.
You know, I wanted to be a singer when I was younger. One of my classmates was in a band and during the school talent show, his band would perform and every time I saw how much fun he was having up there, I wanted to be in a band myself. I never told anyone this, or did anything about this wish of mine though, of course. I tend to let wishes of mine die out as quickly as they came. Well, I wouldn’t say it died out but I would never entertain it outside of my daydreams. This does make me sad but this is simply the way I have lived my life since I was young. When I went to college, I decided that I wanted to go for chemistry. While I failed out my first semester because of some mental and outside factors that I don’t want to get into, I think the reason I was so drawn to science was the fact that you don’t have to be creative at all. Every problem had a very specific answer and there wasn’t a lot of wiggle room for imagination. I liked that aspect of science and I haven’t thought about how that is probably why I enjoyed it so much until I’m writing this post now. Now, I also simply enjoy the study of science, chemistry specifically (as well as a bit of biology), but I do think that what I just mentioned plays a key factor in why I decided to pursue that as a degree. I went to an art school for middle school, so naturally, I could’ve continued with that into college but I chose not to. I also played an instrument throughout most of my childhood/teenage years but didn’t decide to go anywhere with that either for the reasons I just talked about. It is a bit disappointing because I do feel as if there is some lost potential there, but I also know that with how strong this feeling of dread in me when it comes to creating things is that working towards a more art-focused degree would not last long. I actually did change my major to art before knowing that I failed the semester which is kind of funny. I’m not going to read too much into that though.
I didn’t mean to write so much and I’m sorry for that. I feel as though I sound like I’m copying someone even now, but that is just how I’m hardwired. It would be a good idea to one day just sit down and try to understand who I am, what I want, what I like, and what I can bring into the world but with everything going on in my personal life right now it just would make me more stressed. I’ll have to wait until I am at a plateau with my stress levels.
I have a lot of dreams that are hidden in my heart that I don’t think I’m ready to share with the world yet. I have so much love to give and I do believe that I have the potential in me to be able to bring something beautiful into the world, I’m just not at the right spot in my life to do so. The pessimist in me doesn’t think I ever will be. I hope I will get there soon though. This feeling as though I am not who I see in the mirror is so suffocating and I just wish it would stop. I want to know who I am and I want to feel confident in what I do and say. I want to feel as if I am doing things that align directly with who I am as a person. Maybe one day I’ll reach that point and I will genuinely create something beautiful straight from my mind. I want to be able to share something with my friends and for them to be proud of me. Sigh…I think that might be one of the main driving forces of my life. I crave for someone to be proud of me constantly. I want to make everyone in my life proud and for my life to live past when I die. I don’t know if I will grow up to do something amazing with my life and make an impact on countless people, but I do want to do something so great that at least those close to me will remember and I can live for a bit more. A bit morbid to talk about that, but that is also something I think of constantly.
I want to believe that one day my life will mean something. Living day-to-day is the only way to get by currently, which is depressing. One day I want to be able to make such an impact and have my life lived to the absolute fullest so that when I do inevitably die, I can live on through the people I have touched. Currently, I feel as though my life is not worth past working a minimum wage job and being an entertaining friend. I’m sure my friends might say something different but I’m too scared to ask honestly. The idea that my life currently is so worthless is so concrete in my mind that even if my friends told me I was wrong, I wouldn’t believe them. The only person in the end who can help me is myself, and I know this, but I don’t want to believe it. I don’t believe that I can function or live without the help of others, even at 22 years old. I am so deluded in how I view myself and my life and being aware of that makes it so much worse. My self-awareness only heightens that feeling of absolute dread that is inside of me when I think about myself and my life. In my mind, I have this exact timeline that my life has to follow or I am a complete failure. I try to remind myself that I am only 22 but that means nothing to me! I should’ve been able to complete my goals by now, or at least some of them. I should be able to be the person that I envisioned myself as a child when I thought of myself when I was older. None of those goals are accomplished and I have not grown to be the person I thought I would be. There are some things that I have done that I am proud of myself for, but they pale in comparison to the list of failures I can list off in my head as soon as I compare myself to someone else. My boss at work yesterday even said that on her 25th birthday she felt awful all day because she had this idea of who she would be at 25, and she hadn’t reached it yet at her current age of 29. I do understand that other people also have this same problem but I’m still not sure how to even begin to work through it. I feel as though feeling like this just cements me in place, making it so there is no possible way I am ever able to get out of this pit that I am in currently. I don’t know what to do to help myself, and it’s scary because I truly am the only one able to help myself. My friends can be nice to me as much as they want, but none of it will mean anything unless I work on myself and my life and get to the point where I can accept that help. I am such a stubborn person so it makes doing that much more difficult.
Life is hard and I know that everyone is always struggling with something. You will never be fully satisfied with every aspect of your life, and that’s a hard concept to come to terms with but it’s the truth. Because of that, I want to one day find something that I can put all my love and soul into and feel completely content and fulfilled in that so that regardless of how many awful things happen in my life, I am still able to feel as if I am happy with my life. I don’t know what that thing might be at this point, I don’t even have the slightest idea of what it could be, but I do know that one day I will find it and I will know when I get there. Whatever that thing may be, it’s waiting for me to find it so that I may use it to feel as if my life is not pointless. Until I find that thing, I believe that I need to just live to exist. Pushing forward on autopilot, not letting my nihilism or depressive nature hold me back. Letting my brain and body do the work, even if my heart and mind can’t. Living just to exist is no way to live your life, but it is a good start to helping yourself get to a point where you can help yourself to feel fulfilled. Again, I’m nowhere near even finding what I need to feel content with my life but I think I have an idea of what steps to take to get on the right path to eventually get there.
I’ll leave you now with this: My wish for the future is not to become famous or be known by strangers for something only I could accomplish. I want to reach a point where I either create or contribute to something bigger than myself and it can touch those around me and bring me a feeling of pride. I should be seeking my own approval, rather than going after others for it. One day, I do believe I will reach that point, regardless of how much my depressive brain tries to tell me otherwise. I just have to have faith in myself to get there.
.˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛˚｡ °.𓆞.° ｡˚𓆝˚｡ °.𓆛.° ｡˚𓆞 .˙ 