It has been a short while since I have last written on here, even longer since I’ve last published something. I am currently at a point in my life where I feel like nothing I do holds enough worth to even bother to have it uploaded to my anonymous blog with no consistent readers. I feel extremely sad, and I have felt this sad for quite some time now, it has only just gotten to a point where I can no longer stay above water. Every day, there are new things that come into my life to bring me new reasons to feel worse about myself and the life that I live. I have tried a lot of things to try and distract myself from this, or try and do as much as to actually get professional help for the things that are causing this disconnect from the rest of the world. Nothing I do is enough though, unfortunately.
I have always felt distant from everyone else in my life. I don’t know how exactly to describe it, but there has always been some sort of mental wall between me and others. I’ve worked for years to try and get over this wall, break through it, anything. Nothing that I do seems to get rid of that intimidating blockage that towers over me. I’m sure that something like this can be fixed, but while I know that, I’m also aware enough to know that the only way something like that can come about is if I were to put myself through intense amounts of therapy. While I’m sure therapy has its benefits for a lot of people, I have never been one to get anything worthwhile out of therapy. Part of this comes from the fact that I refuse to open up to those that I don’t trust, and the people that I do trust I can count on one hand, so going through some form of help that requires me to open up to a stranger is just not something I am willing to do. At least not yet, I’d like to believe that maybe one day I won’t be as closed off to the idea of going to a therapist for help, as I’ve seen it genuinely help a lot of people that probably have it worse off than me. Unfortunately though, knowing myself as I do, I know that won’t be anytime soon, so it’s quite pointless to even entertain the idea.
I fear that I am just repeating myself over and over again as I write about how I feel when it comes to being separated from those that are around me. This is genuinely something I have been struggling with for as long as I can remember, and I’m worried that it will be stuck with me until I have nothing else left in me to continue trying to fight that feeling. I understand that if you are someone that I know and are reading this because I sent it to you, I’m sorry that everything that I write is based on the same empty feeling. I would love to write about being happy honestly. I have a lot of views of the universe that I wish that I could put better into words, but I feel if I try I won’t do it any justice. A friend of mine wanted to get back into writing but couldn’t think of anything to write about because he didn’t have a crush at the time. I told him to instead write about the mutual love that is shared between the universe and the person who perceives and experiences it. That is something that is very important to me because I like to try and focus on the small things in the world that I’m able to find beauty in, but I am never able to find the words. Perhaps I’ve never genuinely tried, but that is just how I am with a lot of things in my life. There are things that I do try, but if I have an overwhelming feeling that whatever I try will either be a waste or make me feel worse in general I simply try to push the idea out of my thoughts. There are a few drafts for posts that I have saved for this blog, but they are of posts where I am doing something other than ranting so I am quite embarrassed to ever get around to finishing them so that they could be posted.
There is nothing more terrifying to me than opening up to someone and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. I am so terrified of any reaction that I could get, be it positive or negative, that a majority of the time I simply don’t speak up about anything. There are a lot of things that I wish I could talk about, such as my interests or things that I have a lot of passionate opinions about. There used to be a couple people with that I would share things like this, but now the list of people has dwindled down to one person. I just do not trust other people enough to open up about even small things like this with them. It’s not that I feel as though they will somehow share this information with other people or make fun of me, though I am nervous about the second, I am more terrified of the act of telling people those types of things. To do that, you have to genuinely open up to those around you and that alone is something that I am too terrified to do. Once I allow myself to be comfortable around someone else, I allow myself to become vulnerable to whatever may happen in the future. To protect myself from this happening in the future, like it has countless times in the past, I have to seal my heart off from others. This does then feed into my feeling of loneliness that comes about because of the fact that I am unable to share personal things like this with people. There just is no winning when it comes to something like this with me. My thoughts often contradict and I find myself stuck between two absolutes that cannot coexist with the other, so I spend my day in some sort of confusion because of whatever thing I’m currently thinking of.
I want to say that I want this to be the last post that I publish that talks about this same feeling of loneliness, but I know that I won’t be able to stay true to that. With something so important to me as this, I doubt that unless the feelings are removed that I will ever not have some parts of it that I need to talk about. Also, because of all the effort that I have put into everything like this that has resulted in nothing changing, if anything I’ve visibly seen portions of my life become increasingly worse, I can’t help but remain focused on this feeling that my heart is missing something. I’m not sure what I need to do to feel more comfortable in myself and my life. I do believe that going back to school might do some good for me, as I am getting bored doing the same thing every week without end. As my life is currently, I have one part of it that I’m able to look forward to which is the trip that I go on for Christmas and New Year’s. Though, there are parts of the past two I’ve been on that have changed my view on that trip. The first one changed it for the worse, while the second made it better than it originally was. If for any reason though I am not able to have a trip like the one I was previously on, I’m sure it would not live at all up to my expectations.
Mental problems are something I am all too familiar with. Whether it’s because of mental illness, or something else, I have dealt with it my entire life. This is not something that I have ever gotten better at dealing with. For me, it’s as if as soon as I find something that might be able to help me better cope with my problems and situation, something else comes up that makes all the effort that I put into bettering myself be near pointless. One thing that I am now trying to do to help is updating this blog. At the time of writing, it has been about a month since I last wrote this specific draft, and publishing it is something I have been wanting to do for quite some time. While the publishing date on this is set at the time I originally started typing up this draft since I manually set it to that date, you can believe me when I say that I am actually typing this up in April. I can’t keep holding myself back from putting myself out there and doing the things that I want to do, even if it isn’t something exactly happy or productive in the long run. Feeling the emotions that I am feeling and processing them is what will help me to better accept myself and understand who I am so that I can become more myself. My issue with having a feeling of self-recognization is something I have talked about multiple times before, in posts as well as drafts. This problem is something I have always dealt with and probably will continue to deal with for the rest of my life, the only thing that I can do is try to move past it as best I can. Currently, I’m not sure if I will ever know who I am, but I can’t see into the future so who am I to say that one day I won’t? While I will allow myself to wallow when it is needed, I also will try my hardest to push to get to a future where one day that might be possible.
.˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛˚｡ °.𓆞.° ｡˚𓆝˚｡ °.𓆛.° ｡˚𓆞 .˙ 