Ever since a young age, I have been burdened with extreme difficulty in “finding the words” in most if not all situations in my life. I have never been someone who had a large vocabulary or knew how to repair a conversation with others before I’m already trying to describe what I am trying to say by using vague terms and asking whoever I’m talking to if they know what I’m trying to say. Usually, the answer is either no or a suggestion of what I mean, which is typically wrong as well. This has caused me to keep what I can inside so that I don’t mess up once I attempt to let it free from my mind and through my mouth. If I have to communicate something very important with someone else, I usually will go over the many lines of dialogue I have mentally saved in my brain over the years and splice up what I have in my deposit before I have something that sounds normal enough to say. I have always been drawn to writing though, specifically typing on my computer; I’m not sure what caused that when one of my biggest insecurities is my inability to use words correctly. There is no doubt that this is going out of my comfort zone, even if the only people who usually read my posts are close friends of mine. Letting someone into this side of me that I don’t show a large majority of people that have lives intertwined with mine is terrifying to do, regardless of how comfortable I feel with the people I’m sharing this part of me with.
Month: May 2022
My age is not my own
When I was growing up, my parents often would brush off any questions of mine with, “You’ll know when you’re older.” I’ve come to the realization that I still don’t have a lot of the answers I was promised would come with age, and am more or less in the same position as back then. I genuinely do not feel as though I have learned anything that would set me apart from myself as a child. Putting aside the very obvious concepts of knowing how to hold down a job, do taxes and any other “adult” tasks are not really what I’m talking about here. Knowing how to do all of those things is great, genuinely, and it does help people as they get older to know these things, but I still feel as if I’m lacking heavily when it comes to life experience. A child can even learn how to do extremely complicated math if you teach it one singular subject, which is how I feel about the things I do and don’t know. I know the basics of things that come with being an adult, but I can’t apply any of them in the real world. Another common phrase that’s passed around while you’re younger is “Some things come with age.” I’ve spent a long time trying to figure out what those “things” are meant to be because as I analyze my life up until this point, I believe I’ve only lost things. I’m aware that part of this feeling is influenced by my constant drowning in nostalgia, but I can’t help but feel that I am in a more infantile position in my life now than when I was not even in preschool yet. I am extremely immature in the way that I go about life, and I have not the slightest idea how to change that. I understand that the concept of living long and acquiring more years lived under your belt has a direct relation to the experience of the world around someone, but I’ve never felt that to be personally true. The experience that I do have does nothing except feed into the idea that I am a child surrounded by adults in terms of maturity and understanding of the world that I live in.
.˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛˚｡ °.𓆞.° ｡˚𓆝˚｡ °.𓆛.° ｡˚𓆞 .˙ 