This month marks the first anniversary of this blog! Throughout 2022 I experienced a wide variety of things, good and bad, and looking back I’m glad I got to experience all that I did. Everything that’s happened has changed me at my core and I believe it was for the better. I made a lot of friends, I lost some of those friends, I made new connections, and I lost some old connections. When I started this blog, I was in an extremely dark place and I wasn’t sure if there was a way out. I’m currently dealing with a lot regarding my mental health, but I’m doing much better than I was when I began this blog. I think I might’ve talked about this previously, but while my old posts are extremely depressing, I don’t want to delete them. No matter how much I don’t want it to be true, all the negative thoughts that are in my head are part of me and are not to be swept under the rug. Coming face to face with everything I’ve experienced is part of life and the only way to continue growing into a better person.
Honestly, I haven’t had much motivation to write lately, which is why there hasn’t been a new post in ages. There’s a long list of things I’d like to talk about but lately the words never seem to find me. Even now, I’m finding it difficult to continue writing this. I think I’ve gotten it in my head that everything I write about has to be groundbreaking to me and extremely long, but that’s not the case at all. Anything I put into this world is worthy of existing yet it’s hard for me to come to terms with that. I criticize myself for everything that I do. Whether it’s because I don’t believe I’m creating something worth anything or if I’m embarrassed about how I behaved in a situation. In my eyes, nothing is safe from being torn down by my judgemental brain. Calling it my brain seems like I am disconnecting my brain from myself and trying to shift blame from myself to something out of my control, which I guess I am. The truth is that my brain is part of myself and every one of my thoughts is as well. The only way to change my mindset is to change my thoughts, yet I’ve put no effort towards doing that because I continue to shift blame to some inanimate object that has little to no impact on my life. Mental issues are definitely a real thing, which affects how I view myself and others, but in the end, the only person who can take responsibility for how I allow those issues to impact me is myself. Learning that and actually implementing behaviors to start helping myself avoid damaging my own mental health is a journey that I’ve been on for most of my life, but I believe this past year I’ve made more progress than I have any other year. In part, I believe it’s because of the bad things I had to go through to test how far my own emotions can go. In the past few years, I have allowed my emotions to control me, and while sometimes I still allow them to suffocate me, I find myself able to think more logically and think of what is genuinely best for me rather than what I might want at the moment, I’ve also come to find that I can depend on those around me to care for me; something I’ve never been comfortable doing. I’m far from where I would like to be emotionally, but in the next few years, I believe I might be able to reach that point.
Part of the reason why I haven’t written might also have to do with the fact that I have written about most of the deep things that trouble me daily. Which I suppose is a good thing, but I miss writing! I’ve also been pouring myself into other art forms lately other than writing and I have found a lot of joy in them. I will add two of the things that I have created that I am very proud of at the end of this paragraph if you’d like to check them out. Visual media is probably always going to be my favorite art form since I am an extremely visual person. Getting across the way that I view and experience the world is my main goal in life. I want to connect my life to others more than anything in the world. The expectations I have for my life are very high, but at the very least I’d like to succeed in doing this. To do so, I need to be comfortable with letting myself take up space and being acknowledged. I’ve avoided doing either thing my entire life so it’s hard for me to get over that obstacle, but I’m slowly conquering it. Learning to love myself and the space I occupy is my main goal for this year, along with taking out more time for those in my life that I love. By creating art pieces, I extend parts of myself that I am comfortable sharing with the public. Slowly, but surely, I feel myself coming out of my shell and allowing myself to better experience the space around me.
I have never been someone able to live in the present moment. Whether I’m obsessing over “what if?”‘s or looking over my shoulder at my regrets, I never can find myself actively experiencing my life. I want to spend more time this year making it a point to live in the moment and enjoy every second, good or bad. As I’m starting to reach my mid 20’s, I’ve found that life isn’t full of a lot of life-changing good things, but many small good things, yet me along with many others are waiting around for those life-changing good things. It might seem like there are more things trying to drag down your spirit than build you up because we are continuously waiting around for good things, so those bad things shatter our confidence in our journey to happiness. I want an answer as to why my life is the way that it is and since I can’t accept the fact that my fate is out of my hands, I start to project my disappointment and believe that “maybe I wasn’t meant to be happy”. This, of course, could not be further from the truth, which is that there is no higher power who is deciding which of us deserves to be happy or not, just an unmoving universe that we exist within ruled by cause and effect. Knowing and coming to terms with this concept does not make the pain any easier to deal with obviously, but it can start the cycle of healing. Understanding that it is not your fault that bad things happen, that there isn’t a god that’s sole purpose is making sure that your life is miserable, and that the only one to free you from this depressing lifestyle is yourself are truths that will set the stage for you to begin healing. I’ve slowly started to believe this concept and incorporate it into my daily life, which is proving to be incredibly difficult but I won’t give up. No matter how many times I throw my hands in the air and declare that I’m done trying to become happier, I can’t genuinely stop myself. It’s as if there is something inside of me that won’t accept a life that I do not approve of. I can’t even allow myself to succumb to the pressure of my depression and melt away into nothingness. No matter how comforting the idea of giving up, I can never go down that route. I deserve a life where I am proud of the space I occupy and the things I do and create, and I’m starting to get there. It’s easy to fall into a hole where I can’t differentiate between today and tomorrow and the next day, but that isn’t what I want for myself. I want to live each day intentionally, not be afraid to stand up tall and let the soles of my feet sink into the ground. To leave a mark on the world I’ve so desperately wanted to become one with is all that I want in my life. This blog is even part of that plan, as my feelings and words are part of the internet for the rest of forever. Giving these feelings and words of mine that kind of permanent existence helps me realize that they are real and hold great significance in my life and I better understand how they are not to be pushed to the side. Instead, I must not be afraid of them or how they might impact me.
This blog means so much to me and is one of my projects that I’ve kept up with for longer than a couple months and I’m incredibly proud of myself for doing that. I hope to continue this blog far into the future and I can look back and see how much I’ve grown. Even now, I like to look back on my older posts and see if and how much my mindset has changed towards certain subjects. It might not be obvious to someone that isn’t me and plans on comparing my older posts to my more recent ones, but to me, it’s as clear as day. My life is not going to get any easier and there is not any chance that in the future I will stop feeling this negative way about everything, but I realize that is simply a part of existing and being human. Learning to better deal with the things I think and feel is the only way I can start to grow because I will never be rid of awful things taking up space in my life. If you have been here with me since near the beginning of my journey with this blog, thank you so much!!! Connecting the two of us through my writing is the only goal I have with putting these vulnerable words rich with meaning to me on the internet. Perhaps you can also look back on your life the past year and congratulate yourself for making it to another year in one piece, which is an amazing accomplishment. Everyone deserves to be proud of themselves for completing things that might seem trivial to others. People often wait for the new year to start laying out a new life plan for themselves, but I believe that every day is a perfect day to begin to start over, even if you just start with extremely small steps. I hope this year for me and everyone is filled with so much self-love and appreciation for the space we occupy. Happy 2023!!!!!!!
.ΛΒ· π.Β° ｑΛπΛｑ Β°.π.Β° ｑΛπΛｑ Β°.π.Β° ｑΛπ .Λ 