There were two separate parts of this dream but I’ll describe them both anyways even though the first part is extremely short. For the first part of my dream, I believe that me and friends were playing some type of hide and seek game mixed with tag in the forest. I remember going deep into the forest and finding something that looked like a children’s play place that was built amongst the trees and I explored it for some time. It was around this time as well that I teamed up with my friends and we made two separate teams. My team had me, Taryn, and Delia, and their team was Dylan and Jack. After my team left the forest we quickly got into my car and started driving, trying to find a place to stay for the night. I believe our lease ended at this time so we were stuck driving around in my car with most of our belongings in the trunk as we searched for a place to stay.
Author: Mori
22
Chasing after Reality
Recently, I’ve been browsing Medium before going to bed some nights. If you don’t know, Medium is a publishing platform with just about any topic being talked about in-depth by various members of the site. There are dozens of posts about just about anything you could imagine wanting to read about at the tip of your fingers, and for free if you go about reading the “member only” posts in a roundabout way. For that reason, I’ve come to enjoy browsing the thousands of articles at my disposal; finding out about things I would not have thought about researching about on my own. Did you know that back in 2013, scientists found what they hypothesized to be exoplanets that could contain life only to find out that they could not contain life by any chance in 2019? Now you get to be sad over this with me. One thing that has caught my attention since I’ve started browsing the site though, is that there seems to be an overwhelming amount of posts chasing after this one concept that bleeds into multiple topics on the site such as philosophy, psychology, and life among others. Everyone is chasing after an ideal reality that they will not reach, regardless of how many articles that give them the supposed “essential 5 tips to bettering your life” they consume.
Without Words
Ever since a young age, I have been burdened with extreme difficulty in “finding the words” in most if not all situations in my life. I have never been someone who had a large vocabulary or knew how to repair a conversation with others before I’m already trying to describe what I am trying to say by using vague terms and asking whoever I’m talking to if they know what I’m trying to say. Usually, the answer is either no or a suggestion of what I mean, which is typically wrong as well. This has caused me to keep what I can inside so that I don’t mess up once I attempt to let it free from my mind and through my mouth. If I have to communicate something very important with someone else, I usually will go over the many lines of dialogue I have mentally saved in my brain over the years and splice up what I have in my deposit before I have something that sounds normal enough to say. I have always been drawn to writing though, specifically typing on my computer; I’m not sure what caused that when one of my biggest insecurities is my inability to use words correctly. There is no doubt that this is going out of my comfort zone, even if the only people who usually read my posts are close friends of mine. Letting someone into this side of me that I don’t show a large majority of people that have lives intertwined with mine is terrifying to do, regardless of how comfortable I feel with the people I’m sharing this part of me with.
My age is not my own
When I was growing up, my parents often would brush off any questions of mine with, “You’ll know when you’re older.” I’ve come to the realization that I still don’t have a lot of the answers I was promised would come with age, and am more or less in the same position as back then. I genuinely do not feel as though I have learned anything that would set me apart from myself as a child. Putting aside the very obvious concepts of knowing how to hold down a job, do taxes and any other “adult” tasks are not really what I’m talking about here. Knowing how to do all of those things is great, genuinely, and it does help people as they get older to know these things, but I still feel as if I’m lacking heavily when it comes to life experience. A child can even learn how to do extremely complicated math if you teach it one singular subject, which is how I feel about the things I do and don’t know. I know the basics of things that come with being an adult, but I can’t apply any of them in the real world. Another common phrase that’s passed around while you’re younger is “Some things come with age.” I’ve spent a long time trying to figure out what those “things” are meant to be because as I analyze my life up until this point, I believe I’ve only lost things. I’m aware that part of this feeling is influenced by my constant drowning in nostalgia, but I can’t help but feel that I am in a more infantile position in my life now than when I was not even in preschool yet. I am extremely immature in the way that I go about life, and I have not the slightest idea how to change that. I understand that the concept of living long and acquiring more years lived under your belt has a direct relation to the experience of the world around someone, but I’ve never felt that to be personally true. The experience that I do have does nothing except feed into the idea that I am a child surrounded by adults in terms of maturity and understanding of the world that I live in.
Universe deciding my year
Tarot reading is something I am somewhat interested in, and have been for quite some time, but it was only recently that I decided to take up the hobby myself and really get invested in the cards and their meanings. I was with a friend yesterday and she showed me that she does a yearly card reading for herself. Each of the months has one, or sometimes two, cards that represent that month as a whole. My friend told me that with certain cards, she would assume she knew what they were talking about but then something from the left field would actually happen but still relate with the meaning of the cards and she’d wish she knew that’s what they meant. Since this is a very general reading and the time spans for each of the cards are quite long it’s difficult to pinpoint exact events unless they are extremely powerful and change things greatly, which isn’t often. Because of my friend, I’ve been inspired to do my own for myself! Something I love about tarot is that the cards have a basic general meaning, but it is tweaked somehow by how the reader feels about the cards and how the art is interpreted. Without any more hold up, here are the cards that were pulled that are meant to determine the year 2022 for me!
The familiar feeling of Suffocating dread
It has been a short while since I have last written on here, even longer since I’ve last published something. I am currently at a point in my life where I feel like nothing I do holds enough worth to even bother to have it uploaded to my anonymous blog with no consistent readers. I feel extremely sad, and I have felt this sad for quite some time now, it has only just gotten to a point where I can no longer stay above water. Every day, there are new things that come into my life to bring me new reasons to feel worse about myself and the life that I live. I have tried a lot of things to try and distract myself from this, or try and do as much as to actually get professional help for the things that are causing this disconnect from the rest of the world. Nothing I do is enough though, unfortunately.
Nostalgia and Loneliness
I try my hardest to see things from an optimistic light so often, but at times like right now, I can’t help but succumb to the suffocating feeling of hopelessness. I’ve talked about this numerous times in my previous posts, but something I’ve struggled a lot with growing up, especially recently, is the feeling of utter loneliness that comes with growing up. The only thing I find hard to accept about this feeling is that I don’t think I’m to a point in my life where I should have to feel that yet. I believe that coming to terms with the idea that this truly is only your life and the only person in it that genuinely matters is yourself is something that is meant to be entertained only as you are way later in life than I am. I don’t know exactly when that point in anyone’s life is, but I am positive that it isn’t in your early 20s. Just typing that out is enough to make me realize that I should not have to be fully accustomed to the feeling of absolute loneliness. Now should be the time that I am making memories with people and finding out who I am, and I should have been doing this for years, but instead, I have months’ worth is time wasted and the time I have spent doing meaningful things adds up to no more than two weeks.
Full of LOVE today
Happy Valentine’s Day! Today is a very important day for me. Not because anything big is happening today, but rather because the concept of Valentine’s Day means a lot to me. I am not a very open person emotionally to anyone in my life. Some might disagree with this and say that I am very open with how I’m feeling, but just because I tell people I feel bad or want to complain about something does not mean we have an emotional connection or that they understand me on a deeper level. It’s not that I don’t want to be an open person with those close to me in my life, I just can’t seem to do so naturally so it seems forced usually. It’s challenging for me to make connections with people that have any kind of worth to both of us and that last longer than half a year. While I haven’t outright asked any of my friends about their views on me or our relationship, I can assume that a lot of them don’t feel genuinely close to me. Like I said before, I might open up about what surface-level thing is bothering me or complain about something easy to complain about, but a lot of the relationships in my life lack the depth that I crave. Valentine’s Day is all about embracing that depth that you do have and it allows you to create that depth with others in your life. I would say at the moment there are probably two people in my life that I would say I have quite a close relationship with that has this sort of depth I’m describing. The difficult thing about this though, is that while I do want this kind of deep connection with others in my life, it seems as though there is a barrier holding me back from creating it with others. I’m not sure how to overcome this obstacle that’s in my way to having a fulfilling connection with others in my life. I can’t even begin to describe what is exactly involved in this barrier and why I can’t make these types of connections. This heavily contributes to how lonely I feel in a lot of my relationships, platonic or romantic.
The sun has set
I feel a bit repetitive starting every post with “hello”, but I can’t help but want to greet you when I start writing these! I realize this is a bit sooner of an entry than normally expected but I just wanted to talk. I don’t have anything specific I want to say, I just wanted to say something! So I will let my brain ramble for me below the cut.
Level 2 Snow storm
Hello again! There’s currently a huge snowstorm going on outside it’s kind of insane…There was a pretty bad one a couple weeks back but I’m dealing better with this one because the last one was so bad my job canceled my shift for me! Last night I hung out with my roommates and a friend of theirs that was coming over and now I’m totally exhausted…I slept until 4pm! I had fun last night though so it wasn’t as awful as it sounds being alone with people I don’t really know until around 7:30 in the morning. There is something I want to talk about though.
I’ve noticed that I have a huge issue with not knowing who I am at all. This isn’t anything new, as I might have complained about not knowing how to describe myself before, but this really is something that burdens me every single day. I feel as if I am a fraud and that I have to copy all the people that are around me; not because I genuinely would rather be them, but because I don’t know who I am if I don’t. I have a complex about stuff like this. I want to be me and be unique but when I am I feel as if it isn’t good enough. I want to be normal but then I feel like I am blending into the background, even though I do prefer that sometimes. I don’t know what makes me “me” and it scares me. It doesn’t bother me enough to actually try and figure it out, but it is something that sticks in the back of my head constantly. I want to be able to be recognized for being me, whatever that may mean. I hope one day I am able to reach a point where I feel confident in myself to be able to fully describe to you what makes me “me”.
I’ve also gone through my blog posts on here and I’ve cringed at what I’ve posted. I don’t know if it’s obvious to you but it’s so obvious to me when I am so blatantly copying someone or trying to be someone I’m not, and in a lot of the parts of my previous blog posts I’ve been doing exactly that. I hope it isn’t too embarrassing for you as the reader…I’m sorry if it is. I do hope that this is interesting to read through. You don’t know who I am but from these posts, I’m able to give you a small look into my brain. I like that. I don’t really have anything else to say, so I should wrap this up.
I hope I am able to feel as if I am “me” someday.
.˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛˚｡ °.𓆞.° ｡˚𓆝˚｡ °.𓆛.° ｡˚𓆞 .˙ 